Bad News

[nevermore]

Some of you may remember about a year and a half ago me posting that my mom had been diagnosed with cancer. We were initially told she would be ok, then we were told she would die any minute then we were told she would be ok again.

 

Then we were told she was cured totally.

 

Now she has a few days to a week to live.

 

It has been a crazy couple of weeks since finding out that it wasn't cured and has progressed through her system undetected and one day very soon she just will not wake up.

 

I saw her today and I don't think she knew who I was. She did recognize my middle son though (he is hard to forget). One of the things that bothers me the most is that my kids won't really know her at all. My oldest is 7 and will have some memory of her but not my 4 year old nor my 2 year old. That hurts. I am the youngest by 12 years in my family so all of my other neices and nephews are considerably older and have all kinds of great memories with my mom.

 

I feel bad writing that and apologize to anyone who has lost a parent. I don't mean to hurt or offend with that. I just need to vent.

 

I can't believe I just won't see her anymore. Its weird. My wife says I am numb at this point and I think she is right. My dad is taking it so hard. He was always very stoic and to see him break down the way he has is tough. He looked at me today and said "Reeg, what am I going to do without her?" and I froze. I couldn't say anything. Nothing positive or uplifting...just "I don't know dad." Later I thought I should have said something about getting through it so my kids can know one of my parents and other stuff but nothing in the moment.

 

I thought we had won. I thought she was going to be fine. Today when I looked at her she was already gone.

 

Just thought I'd update.

[Wheeljack35]

Wow this sounds familiar... back in 2006 we knew my father was going to die so they let him come home and we had nurses around the clock.He was having difficulty to breath and the nurses gave him medicine to calm him down and to help him breath better.During the week when he woke up he looked at my mom and never did speak again.We waited and waited he was bought home on a monday and died that friday morning .My brothers family and my brothers inlaws were with us around the clock too

 

I'm so sorry she has to go through this and i'm sorry for you and your family

 

This sounds so familiar as I said it is bringing back memories of that week

[jjlecaros]

Sorry to hear, my gma has dimensia and little she forgot everyone too

[kerowack]

I had the exact same story except with my father and he was 55. There's nothing I can say that's gonna make it easier, but remember that everything your mother gave to you, you have a responsibility to pass those same amazing qualities to your kids. In that way, she'll always live on.

 

With my father, during that last week, we were all at the point where we wanted him to go because it was just hell....everything after that becomes a blur in time (but you remember every second when asked) and it gets easier....but never goes away.

[FUGAYZIE]

i feel your pain. my mom died in 02, she wasnt very old, just a lot of health complications. while she did get to meet the girl i would eventually marry, she wasnt able to attend our wedding or see her two grandkids. my oldest will sometimes ask what grandma was like and i can only show him pictures and retell old memories. there are many days that it hurts not to have had her at the wedding and to see her grandkids, but life stops for no one. as kerowak put it, you can only pass on the good that you have gotten from her. sometimes i will catch a glymps of her personality in my son and i remember why life is so valuable. life goes on everyday and if we stop too long to worry about the things that are out of our control, we will miss precious moments of our own lives and our families lives. the best thing (especially for your father) is to focus the energy of that sorrow onto your children (all of his grandchildren). they are the bright shining future, and they will need positive mentoring and lessons learned for years to come. i find that when parents and grandparents are with children their sorrows are displaced with hope, laughter, and inspiration.

[Nguyen_Dragon]

Sorry to hear this man...

[spystreak]

sorry to hear this I understand how it is my Mom's lost both Parents & I've lost both Grandparents my Grandma from pancreatic cancer and my Grandpa from a heart attack

[Dark Horse]

My heart goes out to you, mate.

[Bringbackmy80s]

Condolences to you and your family. Sorry to hear things haven't gotten better. Hang in there.

[I AM SCI-FI]

If you remember, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last March, and she beat it. We have have one last step of her reconstruction surgery to go.

I am at a loss for words to describe the feelings I had come over me when I read about your mothers present condition. You and your mother have been in my wifes and my prayers, and will continue to be. I had even thought about PM'ing you, last week. Wish I had, now. Just don't lose hope.

[nevermore]

Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate your comments. I AM SCI-FI I do remember you and your wife and am so happy that everything has worked out so well for you! My mom had a long life (67 years). Obviously I wish it had been longer but it was a good life and we got an extra 18 months with her then we were once told we'd have.

 

She woke up today with a rattling breathing (affectionately known as "the death rattle"). So its over. Hopsice said in a couple of days she'd slip into a coma and then a couple of days after that she'd die.

[Devilbat]

Nevermore, my heart goes out to you and your family. I experienced a similar thing with my dad a few years ago, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I know that no two families are the same, and no two illnesses are the same either, so I never want to say "I know what you're going through" to someone experiencing a painful situation like this. Just know that there are those of us here on the other side of a very dark time in our lives, and I think I can speak for everyone by saying we hope and pray for you to have peace and comfort. Cling to those wonderful memories you have and pass on the love and laughter that your mom gave you to those sweet children of yours, and that will be her greatest legacy. I too have lamented the fact that my dad never lived to see my daughter born and can't be here with her, but I feel as if I was blessed to be her father and to show her the same love and joy that my dad showed me. In that way she has filled the very big hole in my heart that my dad's passing left, and I am so thankful for the happiness she has brought back into my life.

 

I will definitely be praying for you and your family nevermore. God bless you my friend.

[nevermore]

She's dead.

 

Thank you Devil Bat, your kind words help me keep things in perspective.

 

Thank you all.

[Capt.S.G.Wiseman]

She's dead.

 

Thank you Devil Bat, your kind words help me keep things in perspective.

 

Thank you all.

 

She's in a good place now. Always remember her the way she will forever remember you; with love.

 

God's speed with your recovery lad, and take care.

[Wheeljack35]

She's dead.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry I know your pain and what your going through.The way to look at this now is she is no longer in pain and is in a very good place

[DarthJoe]

Like a lot of other people have said in this thread, this is all too familiar. We went through a similar scenario with my mom. She was diagnosed with breast cancer, and went through several months of chemo, a double-mastectomy and radiation. The doctors told us it had went into remission, and there were no more signs of cancer in December of 2006. She started getting flu-like symptoms in February of 2007, and went to the doctor where they found cancer spots on her lung. A few weeks later, they discovered she had cancer in her bones throughout her body and in her brain. After several more weeks of radiation, and watching her health decline significantly, she ended dying in May of 2007.

 

As you said, when they get to the point where you know death is imminent, you do go numb. After over a week of sitting around in a hospital room, listening to her labored breathing, just wondering when she was gonna take that one final breath...when it did come, it was more of a relief than anything. Besides the obvious pain she was in, the process was very exhausting and painful for all of us who were with her there for that last week.

 

It was just my wife and I in the room with her when she did pass. My Dad had been staying with her every night before that, and he had left that night to go get some rest, because he had hardly been sleeping and looked on the verge of death himself. She had been sleeping pretty much non-stop for the two days prior to her passing, but I think she was aware of his presence, and didn't want to put the stress on him of having to watch her die, so she held on until he wasn't around. My wife had left the room for a few moments to go get a drink, and something told me she was going to pass soon, so I held her hand and said the Lord's prayer out loud to her (something she had always been big on with other close family members when they were passing). A few minutes later, her breathing stopped, she opened her eyes and looked at me (the first time she had opened them in over a day), and that was it. I didn't cry, and actually felt pretty emotionless when it all happened...I didn't really know what to feel...it was all very surreal. It wasn't until a few days after her funeral that the emotions came flooding in...everything from remorse to anger.

 

I haven't really shared the details of this night with many people, as it's a pretty hard situation to talk about, but I felt it was appropriate here in this thread.

 

What you said about your father telling you is a rough situation as well. My dad was pretty lost for quite a few months after my mom died. They had been married for over thirty years, and it was pretty evident that he didn't know what to do with himself after she died. It took nearly a year for him before he finally started to act like himself again. Your dad is gonna need a lot of support from your family...and the grandchildren should help immensely.

 

The sadness of having a parent die never really goes away. It's a void in your life no one can replace. The one thing that makes it easier is the memories of love and happiness that they leave behind. It's easy to get lost in the remorse of a parent's death, but focusing on the joyous times you had with them, and carrying on all that they taught you is the best way to bury that pain.

 

I'll continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers, and hope you guys can find some comfort in the weeks ahead.

[The Thing]

Hang in there.

[CaptainTriumph]

You have my condolences in your time of loss.

[nevermore]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

 

DarthJoe, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to share as you said it was tough to relive it but I am so grateful that you did. I have felt so much guilt for not emotionally breaking down right away for being numb to it all. It really helps knowing that I am not some POS and that my reaction isn't wrong.

 

The funeral was yesterday. I did start to lose it. I couldn't breathe couldn't approach the casket, etc. I froze. My dad walked me up and once I saw her and how peaceful she looked I was "ok".

[Lady Jaye]

There comes a time in our lives where we begin losing the people who shaped our lives growing up. Even though we know it's an eventuality, when it happens it hits us hard.

 

For some it the pain is overwhelming instantly, for others it takes a trigger of some sort. When my uncle died in '02, I was there in the hospital room. I was there to see my cousins lose it, my mom faint, and everyone just crying. Yet, this being my favorite and closest uncle I did not shed a tear. I had to remain strong for my mom and cousins.

 

I did not cry when my cousin let it all out in my arms. I did not cry at the funeral, nor when they asked me to be a pallbearer, which is one of my biggest honors I could do for my family. His name was Reyes; a mariachi band played a very famous Vicente Fernandez song called El Rey, that's when I lost it. All those held back emotions came out!! In fact for the longest time I could not hear that song without it making me cry.

 

So everyone has their own stories of loss or guilt, but if you remember the good times you shared, the love she had for you, it will help you get past these trying times! And remember, while it hurts, take comfort all the years you did have with her. Many people that you may know never got that chance. My father passed when I had barely turned 4, so I only have faint images. Embrace your memories, and pass them on to your children, they will know who grandma was through you!

 

Peace be with you.

[nevermore]

Lady Jaye that is true. That is kinda what I said in my eulogy. I'll post it:

 

First off, Id like to thank all of you for being here. Id also like to thank Reina and Ron for sacrificing so much for our mom and Id like to thank Dad for taking such great care of her. You rose to the occasion more than anyone thought possible. You are my hero.

 

My mom did so much for me, I am not even going to try and list it off. One thing I want to talk about though is that she always believed in me. When I wanted to be scientist she told me I could and made me believe it, when I wanted to be a writer she told me I could do so easily and when I wanted to be teacher she said I was a natural. There was never a moment I doubted myself because my mom never doubted me. When I eventually did run into people who doubted me they did not hinder me. Their doubt was almost comical to me. How could I fail knowing such an amazing woman believed in me whole-heartedly? Now as I sit here with everything I wanted out of life, a beautiful, amazing, supporting wife, 3 beautiful loving children and a teaching job I love, I can picture her saying I told you so.

 

Being the youngest in the family came with certain advantages. My mom and dad learned through trial and error what to do and what not to do so by the time I came around they had the parenting thing down. I also got pretty much everything I wanted and had 3 big brothers and a big sister who always had my back and took care of me.

 

Recently however I have come to see being born 12 years after my youngest brother Ron as more of a curse. As I watched my mom steadily deteriorate and overheard my nieces and nephews reliving moments they spent with my mom I realized that my children will have no such moments. Knowing that my sons Ruben and Gabriel and my daughter Annabelle will not have any memory of my mom has tormented me for the last 3 weeks.

 

As you all know my mom was a story teller (she is a published author). In one of those pensive moments of solitude that I have had an abundance of recently, I recalled a story written by one of my favorite authors Tim Obrien. In his novel The Things They Carried he described the power of story telling:

 

In a story, which is a kind of dreaming, the dead sometimes smile and sit up and return to the world. The thing about a story is that you dream it as you tell it, hoping that others might then dream along with you, and in this way memory and imagination and language combine to make spirits in the head. There is the allusion of aliveness.

 

OBrien started telling stories after the death of someone very close to him of a brain tumor. He said But in a story I can steal her soul. I can revive, at least briefly, that which is absolute and unchanging. In a story, miracles can happen.

 

In one of his dreams his dead friend came to him and described what it was like to be dead. I guess its like being inside a book that nobodys reading. An old one. Its up on a library shelf, so youre safe and everything, but the book hasnt been checked out for a long, long time. All you can do is wait. Just hope somebodyll pick it up and start reading.

 

What I want all of you to do after the service today and every chance you get is to tell stories of my mom. In this manner she will live. You each have the power to give her life again, through your memories, your dreams and most importantly your stories.

 

And while you are at it, share Grandma Freitass story, share Little Richards and Rubens, share Grandma Gomezs,

Grandpa Roys and Grandma Beards and share stories of everyone in your life that has passed as often as you can and give them life if not physically than at least in the hearts and minds of everyone who hears them. Dont let the books of their lives go unread.

 

I promise to do the same and in this manner I will make my mom live again for my kids. They will know her.

 

My mom and I always said goodbye in the same manner (whether it was on the phone or in person). She would never let me go without this ritual. With that in mind I see no other possible way to leave this stage and say goodbye to my mother without doing it. So Id like my wife Cheryl to assist me. She will say my moms lines for me.

Me: I love you.

My wife: I love you more. I love you inifinity.

Me: Shone mom.

My wife: God bless you.

Me: Ill see you tomorrow.

My wife: Ill see you in my dreams.

Thank you Cheryl (my wife). Mom I love you infinity and now it is I who will see you in my dreams.

[EvilHayato]

I know how you feel. My dad had a type 4 brain tumor and was diagnosed that he would only live for a few months after being diagnosed. It was a roller coaster ride of brain surgeries, radiation treatments, 3 different hospitals, impactions, brain hemorrhages, and everything else you could think of. My mother and I took care of him for the 5 months that he lived after and I was only 20. He never got to see my 21st and will never know the wife and kids I will have. They will never know their amazing grandpa. But I will tell them about him and how great a dad he was to me. As long as you never forget them and let others know who they were, they will live forever. Its not an easy time but be strong and be there for your dad and family. I wish all the best in this crappy time.

[Viper Hunter]

She's dead.

 

Thank you Devil Bat, your kind words help me keep things in perspective.

 

Thank you all.

 

 

She's at peace and you're left with the aching hole in your heart and a void in your life that was once filled with her presence, but the thing to focus on is her "peace". Where she's at now is where we'd all long to be if we could only get a preview of it before we get there. My deepest sympathy and thoughts are with you. Losing a parent has to be a tough one and I count my blessings that mine are both hanging in there for the long haul.

[Marvel_Joe_Spider]

So sorry for your loss man