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G.I.Joe Rise Of Cobra Discussion Thread (Spoilers)


JayC

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The Pit was awesome........the elevator scene brought a smile to my face.......I felt like I was 10 again. (Isn't that the point of these movies, and collecting toys on a whole, when did we get so serious)

 

The past day and a bit, ever since I saw that elevator scene and the humongous water tank training area.......its preyed on my mind. As implausible as that setting is.......deep inside me, where my 8 yr old self still dwells I cannot help but scream out "Cool!!!".

Just the idea of a swimming pool THAT DAMN BIG just appeals the heck out of me.

 

Yeah! That's what I keep saying to myself; when I shut off my adult, "sophisticated" sensibilities, I absolutely love this movie. I forget what's plausible and focus on what's simply cool. ARROW, you and Robbie both nailed it right on the proverbial head; when you just enjoy this film as a high-octane, toy-driven, action-filled thrill ride, it great, great fun. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?

 

I got to thinking about some things about this movie, like you guys have alluded to, that I would have loved as a kid. And I look back on all of the submarines and underwater bases, and as a kid I would have absolutely loved that stuff. Just like when I saw Star Wars Episode I and they went to Otoh Gungah, the underwater city where the Gungans lived; when I saw that the ten year old in me was saying, "Cool!!" And it always bothered me in the cartoon when a given character would just jump into a jet or a helicopter, like everyone and their brother was trained and certified to be a pilot. (lol) That always did bother the obsessive/compulsive in me, that sees order (or the lack thereof) in everything. But in the movie, to have Ripcord jump in the cockpit of the Raven, or whatever that plane was called, and take-off to try and shoot down those warheads...that was cool fun. I could see kids all over the world reenacting that very scene with their toys, and it was suddenly fun. This movie was just "playing-with-my-action-figures" fun, and that's what a G.I. Joe movie should have been about, in my humble opinion.

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hilarious gijoe movie review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6zKAOe7Qs

warning it has some strong laugauge

 

WOW!! Totally scathing!

 

Okay...here's the deal, and I might as well get it out there, my 19 year old daughter and her boyfriend surprised me with a an invite out to dinner and a movie last night, and the whole thing came about as my daughters TREAT to her G.I.Joe fanatic DAD and the movie was of course to be G.I.Joe the Rise of Cobra!

 

How can you refuse a free dinner at the Olive Garden just to stand by a proclamation of waiting to see a movie until it comes out on DVD? ^_^

 

ANYWAY!!

 

I have to eat some crow here and admit that I really enjoyed the movie despite some issues with areas and elements of it. I came out of the theater with a much better POV towards this whole movie endeavor, and maybe the free meal, 2 glasses of wine and the great comapny loosened my attitude up enough to just relax and take in a pretty cool Sci-Fi flick and forget that it's suppose to be G.I.Joe like I KNOW G.I.Joe and just assume I'm in somebody elses sandbox playing G.I.joe the way THEY want to play G.I.Joe. @hmmm@ Who hasn't had THAT dilemma before as a kid, with friends and their screwy concepts of PLAY?? @haha@

 

Well, I think these guys made some good points I don't want to pay too MUCH attention, because it might soak in and make me feel differently on just how stupid that part REALLy was, but they were also quite brutual and a bit carried away with it. Like the thing about sticking the prongs in the Vipers head and getting information out of it after they're dead? I thought the fact that they were loaded with nanomites contributed to THAT handy dandy little function, like they're half damn robots anyway? I didn't think it was infered that they could just stick those things in ANYBODYS head a get that kind of info...but maybe I'm wrong. @hmmm@

 

I thought the movie was action packed enough and i got a few chuckles out of it and ended up rather enjoying it and look forward to seeing what they might do with a sequel if warranted? it's not like my FAVORITE movie of the year, but being so close to my heart in it's source material, I'm still drawn to it and came away liking it well enough, that I'll be picking it up for the collection.

 

My only real grip in my head coming out of this viewing, was Snake Eyes being such a boring character in this and the overly thick rubber look of him bothered me, and the Mindbender actor is lame, I hate that guy and Sommers uses him in all his movies. OH... and the whole opening sequence of the original Destro? LAME! That was really unnecessary and pointless IMO and what a crappy acting job. A little silly.

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Mmmmmmm, Ooooolllivvveeee Garrdennnnnnn.......<drools>

 

it was gooooooooood! ^_^

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I watched the You Tube review posted above. The only thing I disagreed with was that its is necessarily wrong to have films that glorify violence, the military, or nationalism. I don't have a problem with that. That is why Michael Bay films can be so much fun.

 

That review is pretty accurate in every detail. Except, I would not encourage those of you who liked the film to shoot yourself in the head.

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I saw the movie with my wife and friends. My wife actually enjoys watching DVD's with me so she knew a bit going into the movie. I thought she was hilarious when she asked me where Lady Jaye or Flint were?

 

Onto the movie. I actually thought the movie was solid overall. There were some flaws, but overall, the story worked for me and the flashbacks were done relatively well.

 

My likes:

 

-Storm Shadow was well done. Hope to see him back in the second movie

-The plot twist at the end was awesome

-Baroness was cool up until she turned good

-The Paris scene was awesome :)

 

Dislikes:

 

-Destro...ugghhh

-Baroness turning good at the end

-Not liking CC's mask too much. Hopefully, with the sequel, they will change that

 

I enjoyed it and am looking forward to the sequel

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I think the chic who was first seen testing out the camo outfit was supposed to be Jinx.

 

I took that to be the new Joe named Helix that Hasbro and IDW are touting.

 

 

isnt helix sort of blonde I mean she could be lady jane

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hilarious gijoe movie review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6zKAOe7Qs

warning it has some strong laugauge

 

WOW!! Totally scathing!

 

Okay...here's the deal, and I might as well get it out there, my 19 year old daughter and her boyfriend surprised me with a an invite out to dinner and a movie last night, and the whole thing came about as my daughters TREAT to her G.I.Joe fanatic DAD and the movie was of course to be G.I.Joe the Rise of Cobra!

 

How can you refuse a free dinner at the Olive Garden just to stand by a proclamation of waiting to see a movie until it comes out on DVD? ^_^

 

ANYWAY!!

 

I have to eat some crow here and admit that I really enjoyed the movie despite some issues with areas and elements of it. I came out of the theater with a much better POV towards this whole movie endeavor, and maybe the free meal, 2 glasses of wine and the great comapny loosened my attitude up enough to just relax and take in a pretty cool Sci-Fi flick and forget that it's suppose to be G.I.Joe like I KNOW G.I.Joe and just assume I'm in somebody elses sandbox playing G.I.joe the way THEY want to play G.I.Joe. @hmmm@ Who hasn't had THAT dilemma before as a kid, with friends and their screwy concepts of PLAY?? @haha@

 

Well, I think these guys made some good points I don't want to pay too MUCH attention, because it might soak in and make me feel differently on just how stupid that part REALLy was, but they were also quite brutual and a bit carried away with it. Like the thing about sticking the prongs in the Vipers head and getting information out of it after they're dead? I thought the fact that they were loaded with nanomites contributed to THAT handy dandy little function, like they're half damn robots anyway? I didn't think it was infered that they could just stick those things in ANYBODYS head a get that kind of info...but maybe I'm wrong. @hmmm@

 

I thought the movie was action packed enough and i got a few chuckles out of it and ended up rather enjoying it and look forward to seeing what they might do with a sequel if warranted? it's not like my FAVORITE movie of the year, but being so close to my heart in it's source material, I'm still drawn to it and came away liking it well enough, that I'll be picking it up for the collection.

 

My only real grip in my head coming out of this viewing, was Snake Eyes being such a boring character in this and the overly thick rubber look of him bothered me, and the Mindbender actor is lame, I hate that guy and Sommers uses him in all his movies. OH... and the whole opening sequence of the original Destro? LAME! That was really unnecessary and pointless IMO and what a crappy acting job. A little silly.

 

Hey...offer me food, and I'd probably watch anything. (lol)

 

Glad you liked the movie VH. (Did you order that crow at Olive Garden, or did you get it at the concession stand at the theater?) @smilepunch@ (Just kiddin' man.) And you make an excellent point about the Vipers being so infused with nanomites that that's the reason why Breaker could physically extract their last memories. Man...that was a creeeepy scene. *brrr*

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I know Wayans gets a bad rap for being in … well, bad films, but the more that I think about it, the more I really liked Marlon Wayans in this film. I always liked him – Don’t be a Menace and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka – but he was exceptionally likable and funny – the audience laughed at him and meant it. He really ruled – especially since he had to work next to that piece of dead wood, Channing Tatum. Duke's acting was like stale bread.

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I just went and saw the movie for the second time. This time taking my 4 year old son. It was just as enjoyable the second time around and he loved it. I'm very pleased with the way it turned out. Yes, things could have been different or better. Or however you may want to put it, but the flick we received was solid in my eyes.

 

My only hope? It makes tons of money and we see a sequel in a few years.

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First off Channing is a Great Actor and made Duke a Cool MF. Snake Eyes lips bothered me too but was otherwise Tops. Ray parks moves and fighting was Brilliant. Enjoyed Strom Shadow performance all around too. Was dissapointed Zartan did not "sound like Zartan" and all he did was whistle which was annoying until the end when the whistle Punchline is revealed. Scarlett was sexy beautiful and tough She nailed it. Rippcord hitting on Scarlett was painful. And Doesnt it bother anybody that Cobra Commander is Dukes Budy? Oh well Destro aka Christopher Eccleston was Perfect. Although Destros cgi mask at the end could have looked better. The Baroness sub plot was Fine but id have chose another actress. Cobra vipers were fine. But where were the Cobra Troopers, Cobra Vipers, and Crimson Guard. They better be in the sequel Hasbro.Jesus christ you cant make a gijoe movie and not have some Cobra troopers, Crimson Guard and Cobra Vipers! I actually liked when the Commander said "Call me the Commander" And put the mask on. But he really needs to don the more familiar mask in the Sequel. Oh and Hello No hiss tanks???? Youve got to be kidding me thats like making a starwas movie with no lightsabers. Overall i liked the movie. For a sequel kill ripcord Insert Beach head, Flint and CoverGirl. Add Hiss Tank and plenty of more familiar Cobra Troopers. Lose the suit on Destro and give him his more familiar Black Robes and Give him some Grenadiers. The Baroness needs to become evil again. Storm Shadow needs to come back for the sequel. he could have been picked up by one of the submarines and repaired with nanomites. Lose the acclerator suits for some Mechs In Conclusion the movie was good but I still wish they would make an "80"s Gijoe movie Completely faithful to the cartoons and comics. Maybe Someday...

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hilarious gijoe movie review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6zKAOe7Qs

warning it has some strong laugauge

 

man that was funny and some what how i feel about the movie. it sucked. so i hear they already green lit a 2nd movie and if sommers keeps his job i wont go and see it. he ripped off way to many movie to make this.

 

man make resolute real and you have a winner. #US1#

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I thought they were going to set the end of the movie up with a twist. Once CC and Destro were taken into custody i was half expecting the Baroness to trick everyone into thinking she was under their control when she actually wasn't then freeing the two of them and all of them escaping, but then there is the next movie....

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Saw it this morning. Really enjoyed it for what it was.

 

My only gripe: Baroness controlled by Nanomites. I did not care for that plot device at all. Really would have perfered she turned evil of her own accord.

 

Other than that I liked it. Even Marlon Wayans (can't believe it but I did)

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My only hope? It makes tons of money and we see a sequel in a few years.

 

 

My sentiments exactly. This movie has GOT to have a sequel. The way the ending was built up, the sequel would kick some serious ass.

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hilarious gijoe movie review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6zKAOe7Qs

warning it has some strong laugauge

lol. They're being a little too harsh but I have to admit I had a lot of the same problems with it that they did. This is definately a movie you have to turn your brain off to enjoy but that really only goes so far.

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hilarious gijoe movie review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F6zKAOe7Qs

warning it has some strong laugauge

 

Wow... I got about 5 minutes in and couldn't take the uber-nerdom anymore. They were making fun of a movie not being directly grounded in real life science, technology, and physics...? Uhm... yeah. That's why it's fictional. It isn't real. Gigantic alien robots don't exist, but people seem okay with them in Transformers..

 

I saw a few guys much like this at the midnight show talking about how they felt there childhood was raped and such. What were people expecting? Hollywood to make a big-budget movie and cater directly to the hardcore fanboys? I know better. I'm as big of a Joe fan as they come, but I expect some changes. One to update. And two to make it more appealing to the general public.

 

Again. I've seen it twice and I really enjoyed it.

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I saw it Saturday Afternoon with a bunch of friends. Overall we all enjoyed it, but there were definitely some things that bothered the heck out of me. Not enough to "ruin the movie" but definitely directions I wish they hadn't taken:

 

THE GOOD:

Zartan - OMFG Zartan. I was never a huge fan of Zartan, but I think Voosloo converted me. He took a role with about 10 lines and maybe 5 minutes of total screen time and gave him more depth than almost any character in the movie. Dude was the scariest villain in this flick, because he really did come across as a stone-cold psycho and quite the badass, to boot. Now I just wish the movie figure (which is one of the relative few I've avoided buying) was a little cooler.

 

Storm Shadow - I might not be super-happy that they seem to have robbed him of his internal conflict and some depth of character, but the actor definitely made him properly intense. I figure they could easily introduce the "honorable" side of him in a later film and explain his "supah-evilness" in this film as being nanomite-induced. (If they get a later film, but more on that later)

 

The Foreign Joes: I ended up really liking Breaker and Heavy Duty despite it all. Especially Heavy Duty, who they managed to turn into a fully fleshed-out character and not just a bad stereotype or a Roadblock clone. Smart choice playing him as the hard-nosed "gruff NCO" kind of character, and was it just me or did he get more dialogue than almost anyone in the movie? Breaker was also well-portrayed though he had much less to do. He really seemed to capture the put-upon nature of many "IT Professionals" pretty well, but also seemed to have a genuine excitement for what he was doing.

 

Scarlett: A slightly different twist on the character, but it still worked for me. Plus, Rachel Nichols is really hot.

 

Snake-Eyes: Suitably badass, though yes, the lips looked kinda silly, and there was one point where he was running in the suit that looked downright hilarious. Hopefully (if the sequel gets made) they'll give him something more streamlined in the next film. I actually like that he didn't dominate the film, but always got to basically be badass everytime he was on-screen. They did a good job of making Snake-Eyes a valuable part of the team...but not the whole team.

 

Ripcord: Marlon Wayans won me over. I may still despise him in almost everything else he's in, but he played this incarnation of Ripcord with more than enough restraint. Despite a couple slapstick moments he really came across as more of a normal guy with a healthy sense of humor than "wacky black wisecracking sidekick."

 

The Doctor/Cobra Commander: The performance was good. The origin...a little murky for my tastes (they really needed to explain/show a little better why it was that Rex went from seemingly good-guy scientist to megalomaniacal would-be conqueror just by seeing a video of the nanomites in action. I dunno how they could've done that without more flashbacks though, so I guess I can let it slide. Loved the voice, even when it went "deep" after the "transformation." I will concede, however, that the "Commander" mask just looked plain silly.

 

The NOT-SO-GOOD:

 

The FX: Not nearly as bad as some people are making them out to be, but definitely dodgy in a few spots (The bumper-deployment on the Steel Crusher stands out as particularly bad. There were a couple shots of the Accelerator Suits that were poorly finished as well, and especially the "prison cells" at the end. Holy crap if that wasn't a rushed, tacked on scene I don't know what is. Everything else, though, ranged from "adequate" to "good" to my eyes.

 

Destro: I don't think it's the fault of the actor, who I generally quite like, but rather the material he was given. My favorite Cobra simply didn't evidence much of any of the traits I like best about him (a cold, calculating nature and a sense of honor). Destro's supposed to have class and charm, but this version really just came across as an angry, arrogant a$$. Definitely not my favorite take on Destro, though it rates a little better than the fawning sycophant version of Sigma 6.

 

Scarlett/Ripcord: This didn't veer into "bad" territory simply because it didn't strike me as that big a deal in the finished product. Yeah, there's a little flirtation and a good-luck kiss, but I didn't have any sort of impression that they were officially "together" at the end or even more than just friends. Plus they threw in more than a few touches to indicate a little somethin' going on with Scarlett and Snake-Eyes, too (though you had to be paying attention to the background in some scenes).

 

Lack of Vehicles: I just wanted more. Sequel (if made) needs a big land battle for sure.

 

The Flashbacks: They weren't horrible, but there were -just- a few too many of them and they upset the otherwise excellent pacing of the film.

 

THE BAD:

Duke/Baroness: I had no problem with the previous relationship bit. I have no problem with Sienna Miller's performance and thought she looked good in the role. But the whole "turned back good by the power of love" bit came within a hair's breadth of ruining the film for me. Going to be hard to salvage that, even if they have her programming kick back in for a sequel.

 

Duke: This guy sucked. He evidenced not even a shred of the charisma Duke should have, and basically mumbled his way through his performance. He never seemed to have any sense of urgency, even in the supposedly dangerous/emotional scenes. I'm not even a big fan of Duke but I feel bad for the folks that are, cause this guy definitely ain't him. Suggestion: Since they're unlikely to recast, find someone good and focus on Flint for the sequel.

 

The Ending: I get the impression Paramount decided to hedge their bets and tack on an ending that was a little more "final" in case no sequel shows up. In the novelization and comic version, Destro and Cobra Commander get away. Sure, they left the plot seed there with Zartan in the White House, but the title makes much less sense when by all indications "Cobra" is imprisoned or destroyed by the end.

 

Suggestion: Reveal in the sequel that "The Doctor" had secretly injected a bunch of politicians/lawyers/businessmen in key positions with his mind-altering nanomites. Yuppies that now have crimson uniforms hanging in their closets....

 

Anyway, I see a lot of room for improvement in a sequel (if it happens). I still liked this one overall, and it certainly "felt" like G.I. Joe to me, but it definitely had its' low points (as I expected it would).

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That's actually one helluva damn good (and thorough) review there Jmacq1! :)

 

You made all the comments that pretty much stated many of my feelings on the movie with a few exceptions. I really enjoyed the story between Duke and Baroness and Ripcord and Scarlett. The sexy "bad girl" with an attitude role was played brilliantly by Miller and the attraction to the "good guy" all the while surrounded by the cut throats of Destro and Storm Shadow seems to be a common recurring theme in drama?

 

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Wayans performance and of both the actors in the breaker and Heavy Duty roles. Chantum didn't bother me as much as I thought he would as Duke, bit I agree with much of your take on him. I didn't care much for Destro's actor and the opening sequence of his ancestory was pretty lame, as was the acting in it. I noticed that Cobra Commander (at the end) sounded more like Destro from the cartoons, and Destro sounded more like CC from the cartoons with that ridiculous squeaky Scottish accent. Maybe they'll keep him in a mask in the sequel and let Sean Connery do the voice over for him like James Earl Jones did for Vader? ^_^

 

I felt the performances of Quaid and Fraser were the most lame and campy and given with an almost sense of regret or embarrassment for even being there? I've mentioned my lack of enthusiasm for Snake Eyes in the movie and he was just boring and funky looking. He had that same massive appearance as the THING in F4, and you brought up the running scene that just highlighted that ridiculous rubbery bulk, and did they even explain the reason for it in the film, I forget? I caught the "vow of silence" but that was all.

 

and finally, the story with all of them (Duke, Ripcord, CC and Baroness) being a tight little group of friends and brother/sister relationships, Duke looking out for the rather skittish goofy little brother of his wife to be, and thinking he let him get blown up and then hides from her in guilt and her being injected by her undead, but now ruthless, cut throat, wants to take over the world, burnt up brother, to ease her "pain" all because he discovered nanomites...seemed really REALLY rushed and non-sensical. OH..and the Mindbender actor......yeeeeeech! PLEASE NO..DON'T DO IT!!"

 

That said...I still enjoyed the action of the movie and the story kept me intrigued throughout no matter how silly at times and I'm impressed enough to hope they decide to do a sequel and improve upon a few things that might have been held back on during this one....like some of the writing? ^_^

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Here are some other issues that make no sense to me. Believe me, I want to like it. I have been investing myself in the comics and toys of G.I.Joe since 1982.

 

The beginning of the movie with the convoy leaving from the MARS factory in Kyrgyzstan protecting the nanomite warheads perplexes me. I will also acknowledge that the geopolitical situation in the near future is murky. The novelization says Duke's team is a NATO team but in the film, it appears to be an American team. Why are NATO or U.S. military forces acting in either a central Asian country or a former Soviet republic?

 

Again, why do the weapons need to be weaponized? What good are they and why do they need to be guarded if they aren't already dangerous or useful? I know real ordinance has certain components missing until they are readied for deployment but I don't understand the need for a light show.

 

Part of the whole MARS/James McCullen plan is to be able to control and order the world by being able to influence wars and sell to both sides. One must presume that the scheme with Storm Shadow and the Baroness was to have plausible deniability for McCullen. He wanted to remain the respectable businessman and face of MARS. Doesn't being caught by G.I.Joe ruin that for him?

 

I liked this Cobra Commander and don't mind the mind control elements of the nanomites. It was kind of fun. I think the film didn't do justice to the Rex Lewis subplot like Max Allan Collins did in the two novels. The film sped through it and gee, loyal soldier and scientist goes mad thirty seconds after seeing nanomites in a lab. The novels had Rex Lewis be betrayed by an accident.

 

Rex Lewis was supposed to investigate the lab for possible chemical weapons. It really was a U.S. or NATO lab for nanomites and supersoldiers. So Lewis and Hauser's team were doing something bad, which is the first betrayal. Then, the bombing of the bunker went off earlier than expected because of the actions of G.I.Joe. That was betrayal number two. And just perhaps, Lewis didn't become madly in love with nanomites in seconds, but was badly betrayed and burned but Dr. Mindbender used the nanomites to save Rex Lewis, thereby turning him evil.

 

Oh well, I blame Stephen Summers for bad editing, bad acting, bad CGI and ruining what might have at least been a decent plot.

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I liked this Cobra Commander and don't mind the mind control elements of the nanomites. It was kind of fun. I think the film didn't do justice to the Rex Lewis subplot like Max Allan Collins did in the two novels. The film sped through it and gee, loyal soldier and scientist goes mad thirty seconds after seeing nanomites in a lab. The novels had Rex Lewis be betrayed by an accident.

 

Rex Lewis was supposed to investigate the lab for possible chemical weapons. It really was a U.S. or NATO lab for nanomites and supersoldiers. So Lewis and Hauser's team were doing something bad, which is the first betrayal. Then, the bombing of the bunker went off earlier than expected because of the actions of G.I.Joe. That was betrayal number two. And just perhaps, Lewis didn't become madly in love with nanomites in seconds, but was badly betrayed and burned but Dr. Mindbender used the nanomites to save Rex Lewis, thereby turning him evil.

 

Oh well, I blame Stephen Summers for bad editing, bad acting, bad CGI and ruining what might have at least been a decent plot.

 

 

Now SEE?? That would have made for a better explanation of the circumstances behind the creation of CC and been a lot easier to follow, let alone BUY!

 

This was suppose to be the RISE of Cobra, but if we were all women and this movie was our lover, that "RISE" was followed by bit of "premature ejaculation"? Might have been good for THEM, but it's left us a little un-satisfied? @haha@

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Oh well, I blame Stephen Summers for bad editing, bad acting, bad CGI and ruining what might have at least been a decent plot.

 

Bad editing??

 

If anything the film was quite well edited, do you mean bad writing instead?

As far as editing goes, the scenes were cut to just the right length/timing to hold interest.

There was enough time to see things, and understand what was going on, yet still have a fast pace. For an action film, that's a good thing.

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Bad editing??

 

If anything the film was quite well edited, do you mean bad writing instead?

As far as editing goes, the scenes were cut to just the right length/timing to hold interest.

There was enough time to see things, and understand what was going on, yet still have a fast pace. For an action film, that's a good thing.

 

No, as you can deduce from the novelization and the trailers/commericals, many of the scenes were there or longer. Editing isn't merely the splicing together of film to create pacing or adding wipes or cross-cuts or emotions. It is also choosing which scenes and shots to use and which ones to remove or shorten.

 

Yes, Sommers had final cut. He could choose the length and composition of the film.

 

Bad choices for what was left in and what was cut. Bad editing.

 

This review from the British Telegraph says it best:

 

By Tim Robey

Published: 4:28PM BST 06 Aug 2009

 

Stephen Sommers; Channing Tatum; Sienna Miller; Rating: *

 

Toys, toys, toys. Not content with milking those Transformers for every last decibel of smash-and-grab summer bombast, Paramount and Hasbro have set their jaws to square, plucked another hunk of plastic from the dolly cupboard, and now serve up yet more grunting, übermilitaristic high-jinks.

 

The difference on GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the director -- not state-of-the-art explosion king Michael Bay, but Stephen Sommers, he of the Mummy franchise and Van Helsing. Where Bay gives the impression of flogging his CGI artists, crew, and cast to within an inch of their lives, Sommers takes a more laid-back approach: it’s on the cheap, and we’re hardly bothering. The special effects are kind of special, but only in the sense that they look remaindered. The acting is a joke.

 

Telling weaponised elite soldiers from scheming arms dealers is especially tricky when a movie has had such a complete personality bypass: which are the good guys again? Channing Tatum is Duke, nominally our hero, but his attempts at smouldering, guttural cool succeed only in making him look like a shellshocked extra. Dennis Quaid barks a lot of orders as the subtly named General Hawk, often via holographic link-up -- the new way to phone it in.

 

Sienna Miller has a modicum of fun, I’ll concede, as a raven-haired mercenary with a leather fetish.

 

Still, this is one of those stinkers where the taint of cruddiness extends almost everywhere. You have never seen less convincing digital sand dunes, a crasser neo-minstrel sidekick (Marlon Wayans), or a flashback to sparring kids in Tokyo with its eyes more greedily on the Asian market.

 

Not what anyone would call playful, this film’s passion for weaponry and covert ops springs from a disturbingly sadistic and joyless place - all it lacks is waterboarding.

 

There’s one funny line, when the Eiffel Tower gets chomped by a metal-eating missile and the French are described as “pretty upset”. But this only goes to confirm that Sommers has engineered a bizarre cross between xXx, Watchmen, and Team America: World Police, yielding all the tonal chaos that would imply.

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