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The Top 10 Reasons The GI Joe Movie Will Suck


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Thought this was a pretty entertaining read, and wanted to share it:




There's some colorful language, so if you're sensitive to that type of thing, you may want to skip it.


My favorite quote:


(Talking about Stephen Sommers directing the film) "Couldn’t they have found someone with a background in making military action films? S**t, was Michael Bay not available? That guy’s notorious for fetishizing soldiers, aircraft, and other military equipment in his flicks. Oh wait, that’s right, he was busy raping the childhoods of thousands of Transformers fans. My bad."



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yeah.... I have never hated anything so much before it even came out.


thanks to all involved for ruining something I have been waiting my entire life for

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it's sad just how true this is. I don't mind destro not wearing the metal helmet, it's too unbelievable in my opinion, i would rather them ahve took things to the realistic side, but alas, they didn't. I will probably watch it, but i'll bring tissues.

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An interesting read. Although complete and utter crap. It is basically a fanboy, doing a fanwank to himself and his supposed love of GI JOE.


If his comments on Transformers are any indication, he is representative of the stereotypical "fan" who can't see past the one narrow niche of his hobby. I can guarantee you that if GI JOE is half as successful as Transformers in the theatres, Hasbro won't give a rats ass about his, or our opinions.


As for his points, I am going to offer counter points on some here:


Roadblock...This is one I actually agree with, but I doubt this is going to be a major factor in the movie "sucking."


Destro...The photo he has in this paragraph is all the evidence needed to argue against his point. The mask can be done, but shouldn't necessarily be done. As for a medallion? It would be beyond silly to have him wearing this giant medallion, especially on a bare chest.


Ripcord...Watch Marlon Wayan's performance in Requiem for a Dream and tell me he can't pull off a serious role. This is one of those arguments that presupposes the actor is a one trick pony. The evidence is there to prove otherwise. Granted, changing the race of a character can be a problem, but Ripcord really isn't big enough of a character to be noticed by the majority of movie-goers.


Storm Shadow...Really? He want's what? A guy in a white leotard with a crotch bulge? The costume choice may not be great, but I think it is one of the few inspired choices. As much as traditional ninja garb in white is ok, it really isn't the style this movie is going for (which is open to your opinion on being good or bad).


Stephen Sommers...I pretty much agree here. He is a competent director, but I also believe there were better choices out there for the producers to try and get.


Duke/CC...This is a tough call. Duke being young twenties is no problem. In the military there are officers leading groups in their early twenties. Hell, a lot of ground troops are late teens/early twenties. CC is a bit more problematic. I think a guy that young is a bit of a stretch for being this guy who organizes a large terrorist group.


Origin Story...I agree here, but what can you do? It has become the norm to give background to people on "franchise" movies. It is meant to catch up the average moviegoer, but as the poster writes, it treats them like morons.


Future...Again, I agree here. I know it gives them leeway to do some crazy things, but it wasn't necessary.


Stalker...While I see the reasoning behind having him as a connect to the ninjas. He isn't necessary, and quite frankly, isn't important to telling the story of SS and SE in this new canon.


Black rubber suits...I will wait and see. I can see both sides of this argument, but I think that the X-men movies did it right. And the Joes are similar to them with crazy outfits that not all of them would transfer over. Especially adding in that most are 20+ year old designs.

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Y'know...........these days I just stop reading the drivel when they use the phrase " so-and-so raped my childhood".


Did they really? Did this new thing, or the "promised" new thing so radically alter the perceptions of someone that their memories of something have been altered irrevocably?

How is that possible, unless the person's brain is already mush to begin with?


Those things have not changed, they still remain intact-and the person can still visit them anytime they like.

A new Transformers or GIJOE movie shouldn't taint the cherished memories of a collector any more than a work of fan fiction, fan art or a all-new custom character would.

I mean, if people were to extend the same logic, all those things should be doing the same thing; "raping their childhoods" because they are "not the GIJOE they knew".

If they can ignore the fan-made stuff........why not the new movie? What's it going to change?

The toys? The idea of GIJOE from this point on?

That's absurd because if someone doesn't want to accept the new version, all they have to do is ignore it.




This is why so many pros in the movie-making biz roll their eyes at "fans" like this.

They are juvenile, ignorant and needlessly ( hopelessly) demanding. They are "micro-managers" of the very worst sort--being self-absorbed on incredibly inane minutiae.

I read a wonderfully scathing interpretation of fans the other day--there being three levels to " negative fans".


One being that there a segment of fans that just voice they do not like something. This is fine, and everyone is entitled to say that.


Two being that there's fans that do not like something, therefore its bad ( re: not worthwhile for anyone). Again, this is fine too, but its also subjective, as well, because "bad" is completely relative to only the individual in most cases.


And third, the segment of fans that say they do not like something, that's its bad and that it was DELIBERATELY made "bad" because of some conspiracy or personal slight against fans.

No-one making these absurd claims ever answers the question: "why would someone go out of their way to make something deliberately awful? it makes so little sense as to be ridiculous.

Yet some fans persist and INSIST this is the case.


The final work is what it is. If a person does not like it, they can spare their energy and ignore it, waste their energy and rant against it ( because they cannot change the work once its completed), or they can invest their energy and work to a position in the system where they can realize their own vision of the thing.


But I guess that too hard to do the first and last thing, and its just easier to scream that their childhood was raped.

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i agree with some of his points. marlon wayans = epic fail, the guy is a f'n joke of an actor. white chics, nuff said.


as for transformers yeah it did kinda suck. just cause it made alot of money don't mean crap. the new indy movie made 317 million, that sucked donkey balls. godzilla 98 made money too, godzilla was a female laying eggs, beyond lame.

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Geeze... look at the hate for the hate. if you know the synopsis, the cast, the director, and the style of a movie you have a pretty good indication wither or not your going to like it. Lets be honest if you were afraid of horror movies would you go in to judge each one before saying how dislike horror movies?


No, this isn't the end of joe, but it is a major set back. A lot of things same things were tried with sigma six could one of you people who are so much more enlightened than I tell us what happened with that phase of the brand?


This guy is entitled to his opinon, and so is everyone else. I just wonder if you all realize he might be trying to be a little funny and dramatic here?

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Hilarious blog, I agree the movie is probably gonna fail. I wished they would have set the movie in the '80s instead of the future.

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Here are my thoughts on the film.


I'm a huge G.I. Joe fan, but I don't care if the story is changed. I don't care if Ripcord is black. I don't care if it's in the near future. I understand that things are going to be different, and I can accept it.


What I do care about is the effort put into the film. I personally do think Sommers is a horrible director. Just because the Mummy films he did might have been entertaining, doesn't mean they were good films. Van Helsing is one of the worst films I've ever seen. I don't think he's going to make a G.I. Joe film I'll like, plain and simple.


As for the cast, once again, it's the effort. I don't care what their ages are or anything like that, as long as they're quality actors. Sommers has a tendency to put certain actors in his films, actors he's directed before. Maybe it's going to be a minor part, but Brendan Fraser will be in the film. I don't think he's all that good either. Like I said, I don't care what race the characters are, but I'd like the effort to be put into casting quality actors, not just friends of the director.


Even though I think I'll hate the film, I'm going to wait to pass final judgment until I actually see it.


There will be benefits of the film whether it's good or not. If it makes a ton of money, then it guarantees more G.I. Joe merchandise in stores. Hasbro will be willing to put out more product. More people will buy product. the brand name "G.I. Joe" will get much more exposure. Sure, it will never be like it was in the 80's with tons of Joe product in the stores, but we'll definitely see more then what's out there right now.

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Here's some questions that some of the complaining fans can ask themselves:


Did the leprechauns and silly stuff in the GIJOE cartoon ruin GIJOE for you?


Did COBRA Commander's chronic ineptitude ruin GIJOE for you?


Did the inability of GIJOE and COBRA forces to actually hit anything they ever aimed at ruin GIJOE for you?


Did truly silly characters like Raptor, Captain Gridiron or the Fridge ruin GIJOE for you?


Did the silly PSA's with the Joe team members offering "sage" advice --and later turned into quite twisted laughable versions of the PSAs ruin GIJOE for you?


Did SGT. Savage or GIJOE Extreme, Or Sigma Six ruin GIJOE for you?


Did the Valor vs Venom movie (which was pretty dumb in many respects) ruin GIJOE for you?


All of these things have happened, all of them are undeniably, indelibly GIJOE.....and yet I cannot recall hearing anyone decry anything in the above list as ruining GIJOE forever.

Of course, if someone were to bemoan any of these, wouldn't it seem like they've pinned all their likes/dislikes onto things that.....really......weren't of any lasting consequence?

Kind of like this movie is probably going to end up being?


I mean, when you get right down to it, GIJOE is steeped in stupid stuff. its full of really dumb moments that people overlook, and true to form, the complainers are overlooking that this movie might well have some very cool moments to it.

I don't mind Somners work as a director. I like the Mummy movies, and Van Helsing.....they work for me as popcorn films. GIJOE isn't high-concept, it isn't deep,engaging drama........its fluff........military fantasy, a popcorn movie if there ever was one.

If fans think they should be getting "Blackhawk Down" or something like that, they need to take a good loook at GIJOE again........because its never been that before. Its a bad guy in a hood and his army running around hatching schemes and trying to conquer the world, and a bunch of good guys rushing into the lair and shooting the place up.

Beyond that, what else really matters?

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Did Sigma Six ruin GIJOE for you?


Actually the thing that bugged me most about the Sigma Six era was: the fact that fans were telling people who didn't like Sigma Six that "it was Gi Joe now" and "you had to accept it." One time I was actually told on this board that I personally was "sucking the life out of the hobby" by complaining about the way Sigma Six was pushed, while JvC and VvV were half-assed.

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Did Sigma Six ruin GIJOE for you?


Actually the thing that bugged me most about the Sigma Six era was: the fact that fans were telling people who didn't like Sigma Six that "it was Gi Joe now" and "you had to accept it." One time I was actually told on this board that I personally was "sucking the life out of the hobby" by complaining about the way Sigma Six was pushed, while JvC and VvV were half-assed.



But in that case it was what GIJOE was "then"--but it didn't erase everything that GIJOE used to be before. That's the lunacy I see in the "raped my childhood" statements people make......something new doesn't do that unless it completely eradicates and wipes out every incarnation of the thing before it. The "thing before is STILL around and still there to be enjoyed---so what is wrong with something new, then? You only "have to accept it" if you want to continue buying new GIJOE branded stuff, right?

Where has it ever been stated that something new has to be the same thing its always been?


That's the part I do not get.


The stuff IS going to change over time.

GIJOE started out as a 12" figure.........then went to 8"--and then to 3 3/4" "........and then 12" again, and so on......

More than a few complainers seem to personalize the whole thing for themselves, while forgetting that its happened before and that its reverted back to its "original" forms more than once!


The new stuff ........ANY new stuff, IS going to get pushed.......why would it not be?


Personally, I would not want to go back to the RAH stuff. It looks quite dated now, and there is aesthetically better-looking sculpts available now. The original figures hold no appeal at all for me, but then neither did Sigma Six. I bought ONE S6 figure to see what it was all about, and it did nothing for me.

The movie might present the same situation......but its not going to kill GIJOE for me. At best, it'll delay some more of the 25th Ann. style stuff until new year. I can wait, because I know that a delay (or a detour) is not a denial.

That, and I have seen this stuff come "full circle" more than once.

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Did truly silly characters like Raptor, Captain Gridiron or the Fridge ruin GIJOE for you?


What? The Fridge silly? why that's an outrage! @loll@ @loll@ You ruined my childhood. @loll@ @loll@


Why cant we just wait and see what happens. Who knows? it might be a big hit! No sense in getting out of hand. What I am more worried about if the movie does bad, what will be next? midget dreadnocks? @loll@ @loll@

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it might be a big hit! No sense in getting out of hand. What I am more worried about if the movie does bad, what will be next? midget dreadnocks?


They are called Combat Heroes.

Expect them to be next.



Be afwaid, vewwy afwaid....

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Okay, look - here's how it is, guys:


The GI Joe Movie WILL suck. I think even the casual fan isn't happy with what they've seen thus far.


But... it will suck in the way the 80's GI Joe movie sucked. It'll suck in the way Die Hard sucks, or Air Force One sucks, or Jurassic Park sucks. Are any of them movies that truly changed your lives or made the way you judge creative media any different? No. But do you still get pumped when I hear ""Yippey-Kay-Yay, Mother F****", "Get off my plane!" and "Clever girl..."? Sure you do.


This movie will be horrible. Take GI Joe completely out of it, and you're still going to be drastically underwhelmed. Much like "Punisher: War Zone" (Anyone who's seen it will know exactly what I mean) it will be really bad - god awful - but you'll still love the decapitations, exploding faces, soda bottle mutilations, one-man building clearing, and Frank Castle's grim demeanor. So, you'll still probably get something out of it... just not what you want.


Believe me, like some of you have already mentioned, I'd rather not have this movie come out at all. However, if it has to, I just want it to do well commercially, so we can at least benefit from it.



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I just wonder if you all realize he might be trying to be a little funny and dramatic here?


Ya, I was wondering the same thing. The guy was trying to be over the top on purpose, yet still brought up some good points. SENSE OF HUMOR guys...sense of humor.


About the whole "raping my childhood thing." For me, it's not that it's going to ruin my childhood memories, or even change them. What I worry about is if we get something, like say...Streetfighter bad...is that it's going to be a HUGE black eye on the franchise as a whole. Will it effect my enjoyment of it? No. But, at the same time, I'm not looking forward to defending my love for GI Joe to people who know nothing about GI Joe outside of a horribly played out movie. You know, the ones who will go, "Oh ya...GI Joe...wasn't it that crappy flick from 2009?"


Either way it doesn't really effect me, but I don't like the image it will give the franchise if the movie is a total flop. If this movie turns out to be a great success, and is anywhere near as good as Transformers was, I'll be the first one to come here and admit I was wrong. I have a feeling I won't have to worry about that though. :(

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The minuses aside, there are things I'm looking forward to in the film.


I think Snake-eyes is bound to be cool in the movie. The costume certainly looks good, and Ray Park has the martial arts chops to do the action justice.


I think Dennis Quaid will be fine as Hawk, as I like Quaid from many other roles he's done.


I think I'll like Sienna Miller- because they went OUT OF THEIR WAY to make her boobs bigger. Say what you want about that, but I think bigger ta-ta's are always a plus!


I think the gear will be, at least, interesting. The single shot of the arctic setting with that odd looking snowmobile pod at least looks cool. Its the kind of thing I'd expect with GIJOE--and it says to me that at least a few things are going to be on track.


The rest of it.......there's so little accurate info out there that I cannot hold an opinion one way or the other. The things I do not like, end up being equal to the things I do like, and the things I just don't care much about. At this point for the movie, I'd say its still promising that I'll like it.

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Is there even a synopsis of the story for the movie? I have heard nothing about it, only pictures.


There have been "leaked" synopsis available several times, but it must be made clear that at no time were those synopsis or scripts EVER confirmed by Hasbro or Paramount as being the shooting script. The synopsis revealed story points that a lot of people did not like, but no-one can say which draft of the story that synopsis was, or if anything has been changed.

So, what that means is there is likely NO currently accurate story synopsis or scripts out there.

Take that for what it is.

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This GI Joe movie reminds me alot about the Resident Evil movie. The movie sucked huge, but it did not ruin the games. The same could be said of Transformers and x-men (even though they were btr than i hoped for). I was scarred that they would never make the Classic figures after the Movie Figures came out. The Originals tend to hold strong even after movie versions are made.

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